You Can’t Change Him or Her…


My ex brought out the worst in me. In his defense, I was also a nut-job when I dated him. I was insecure and brought out the worst in him too. We weren’t right for each other, but we still spent 5 years trying to change each other. Towards the end of our relationship, it just wasn’t there anymore. Not only was I growing up, but it was an “a-ha” moment for me (Oprah reference). The ex was not the person who I was supposed to end up with….and it wasn’t because he was mean or a jerk; it was because I couldn’t change him and he couldn’t change me.We weren’t ourselves with each other, we didn’t like who the other person was. It sounds harsh, but I didn’t think he was evil or anything. Granted, we went through some pretty f-ed up times and he hurt me a lot (and I hurt him too). I think, looking back….that we were both responsible for those times. We were young…and when it was all said and done, I learned a great lesson.

I spent 5 years with someone during an important time of growth. From 15-20 years old, I was hiding the real me to please someone else.   I ditched out on girls night out, family time, highschool activities, concerts, dating other boys because I couldn’t bear to be away from the ex…I had all these negative thoughts of what he would do when I wasn’t around.  I would check his pager (because pagers were the “in” thing then..LOL), as technology blossomed-I checked his emails, his cell phone.   It would crush me when I would find something, but most of all it took my youth away.  I was determined to make it work no matter what he or I got caught doing.  I remember treating him like sh*%! The things I said to him, I would NEVER say to my husband now.  I am actually embarassed and ashamed to this day of how I acted and reacted to some of things we went through. I didn’t know I could be so mean.  If this is ringing a bell with you, take it as a warning!

warning A lot happened still over the 5 years, but I’ll try to wrap up the point I am trying to make…. One day I came across an online dating profile the ex created when I was snooping through his email. It finally dawned on me:  “I will never be good enough for this guy.”  For the first time in my life, that was okay.  That was kind of  like the last straw, I grouped my friends up and told them I was leaving the ex.accenptthem2 Mostly everyone was supportive (their support and counseling gave me extra strength to FOLLOW through on leaving him and to start working on myself). My life finally began.  You have probably heard the phrase, “you have to love yourself before you love someone else.”  I can’t stress how true that is.  I really urge any women or men to take a GOOD look at their relationships (friendships, or romantic relationships).  Do you accept those people for who they are, or do you want them to be someone else for you?  Do you feel like someone is changing you or your core values?

They WON’T change when you get married, they WON’T change when you give up your life for them.  They WON’T change when you have kids!!   I can look at every person in my life and seriously say: I do not want to change a thing about you.  I love you for you.    I am not saying I don’t get pissed off, annoyed or aggravative with others..LOL I am not Mother Theresa.  All that is important is that I know,  “I can’t change anyone” “I accept the people in my life for who they are.”  You know if you can’t accept people for who they are, then they shouldn’t be in your life… (I know it sounds like common sense and so SIMPLE, but it took me a long time to get here).

This  probably should’ve been my first “girl talk” blog. It would probably be a better introduction to where I was coming from when I wrote the Hi Hater and GNO blog. Have love for the people around you because you CHOOSE to be around them.  If you don’t like who they are and want to change them, then don’t be around them.  I wish u all the best in finding this peace or enjoying what you’ve already found.

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5 Responses

  1. This is so my situation….. how do I get out?

    • Hi Kelsey,
      Thanks for reading the post! If you are in this situation, get out as soon as possible. If there was one thing I did regret, it was the time I spent in the relationship.
      To be honest, I avoided my ex for about 4 days straight. On the 4th day I finally worked up the nerve to go by his house. (I guess I would not advise waiting 4 days).
      I went over to his house and I told him the truth. I told him, I needed to break up with him, that I was done, that we were not right for each other. Just to set the expectation, he tried to talk me out of it and he was really upset. That was super tough for me because I am a “YES” person. I always do my best not to hurt people and it did crush me that he was hurting which in turn made me hurt too. I ended up standing my ground by just repeating that we always tried to change each other. After an hour of debating, I left the house. I felt sad that we weren’t going to work out, but at the same time I felt very liberated and RELIEVED. This was 8 years ago!! My ex is married and has a child. From what I know, he is very happy and I couldn’t be MORE happy for him. I truly cared about both of us and that is why I had to follow through with ending the relationship 🙂 I hope this helps Kelsey. I know its been a while since I did this…but my best advice is to worry about you first. If this is what you want, then you can do it. Be strong and good luck. I will be very anxious to hear how it goes if you want to let us know!!
      All my best,

  2. I liked this…coming from a very similar past relationship, i wish i would have read it a few years ago. It took me 3 years of hard work to make it right and countless tears and hurt to realize the relationship was seriously not going to work. I had just gotten to the point where i could not hurt one more time. I started dating someone else immediately and finally saw the light… it wasn’t that he was a terrible person, we just weren’t right together.
    Here’s some food for thought:
    “If you can’t change the people around you…change the people around you.”

    • Thanks for your comment Ains!! I couldn’t agree more with you on “seeing the light.” That is a great way to put it.
      Great quote too!! We appreciate you reading the blog.
      All my best,

  3. How true! Battering is fully owned, operated and controlled by the perpetrator. It’s not the abused person’s job or responsibility to fix it. Can’t be done. As a domestic violence consulting expert and seasoned psychologist advocating for survivors, we help people see what is theirs and what is not. As people see this for themselves, dysfunctional abuse dynamics stop and the abused reclaims amazing power! For more information about our resources on domestic abuse dynamics and healing, please visit us at:

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