My ex brought out the worst in me. In his defense, I was also a nut-job when I dated him. I was insecure and brought out the worst in him too. We weren’t right for each other, but we still spent 5 years trying to change each other. Towards the end of our relationship, it just wasn’t there anymore. Not only was I growing up, but it was an “a-ha” moment for me (Oprah reference). The ex was not the person who I was supposed to end up with….and it wasn’t because he was mean or a jerk; it was because I couldn’t change him and he couldn’t change me.We weren’t ourselves with each other, we didn’t like who the other person was. It sounds harsh, but I didn’t think he was evil or anything. Granted, we went through some pretty f-ed up times and he hurt me a lot (and I hurt him too). I think, looking back….that we were both responsible for those times. We were young…and when it was all said and done, I learned a great lesson.
I spent 5 years with someone during an important time of growth. From 15-20 years old, I was hiding the real me to please someone else. I ditched out on girls night out, family time, highschool activities, concerts, dating other boys because I couldn’t bear to be away from the ex…I had all these negative thoughts of what he would do when I wasn’t around. I would check his pager (because pagers were the “in” thing then..LOL), as technology blossomed-I checked his emails, his cell phone. It would crush me when I would find something, but most of all it took my youth away. I was determined to make it work no matter what he or I got caught doing. I remember treating him like sh*%! The things I said to him, I would NEVER say to my husband now. I am actually embarassed and ashamed to this day of how I acted and reacted to some of things we went through. I didn’t know I could be so mean. If this is ringing a bell with you, take it as a warning!
A lot happened still over the 5 years, but I’ll try to wrap up the point I am trying to make…. One day I came across an online dating profile the ex created when I was snooping through his email. It finally dawned on me: “I will never be good enough for this guy.” For the first time in my life, that was okay. That was kind of like the last straw, I grouped my friends up and told them I was leaving the ex. Mostly everyone was supportive (their support and counseling gave me extra strength to FOLLOW through on leaving him and to start working on myself). My life finally began. You have probably heard the phrase, “you have to love yourself before you love someone else.” I can’t stress how true that is. I really urge any women or men to take a GOOD look at their relationships (friendships, or romantic relationships). Do you accept those people for who they are, or do you want them to be someone else for you? Do you feel like someone is changing you or your core values?
They WON’T change when you get married, they WON’T change when you give up your life for them. They WON’T change when you have kids!! I can look at every person in my life and seriously say: I do not want to change a thing about you. I love you for you. I am not saying I don’t get pissed off, annoyed or aggravative with others..LOL I am not Mother Theresa. All that is important is that I know, “I can’t change anyone” “I accept the people in my life for who they are.” You know if you can’t accept people for who they are, then they shouldn’t be in your life… (I know it sounds like common sense and so SIMPLE, but it took me a long time to get here).
This probably should’ve been my first “girl talk” blog. It would probably be a better introduction to where I was coming from when I wrote the Hi Hater and GNO blog. Have love for the people around you because you CHOOSE to be around them. If you don’t like who they are and want to change them, then don’t be around them. I wish u all the best in finding this peace or enjoying what you’ve already found.
[image source: gettyimages.com]
Filed under: Girl Talk | Tagged: abusive relationship, accept, acceptance, aha moment, argue, arguments, boyfriends, change, date, dating, domestic dispute, domestic violence, emotional abuse, emotions, ex, ex girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, exes, fights, friendship, girlfriends, gno, growth, hate, hi hater, learning, lesson, love, mean, message, oprah, strength, teen, teen years, too young, young relationship |